Coping Mechanisms: How do we deal with stress and our fear of the unknown?

Hi guys,

I know I haven't done a post in a while, but at this point in my life I feel like I'm still in the process of being taught a lot of things which I am not fully educated to speak about yet. So I do not have the authority to speak about a number of things! But I do feel I can share my thoughts on this...

It seems like the consensus of feeling from people surrounding me at the moment is gloominess, depression and stress. Possibly because most of us are third year students which, on an individual can be quite scary feeling an creates a sudden need for introspection. You may start to question a lot of aspects of your life as a reaction from the overwhelming feeling that you're GETTING OLD.

You may start looking as aspects such as:

.The quality of your friendships and relationships with people

.Your career prospects

.Your long-term relationship prospects

.Who you are really are as a person

.And which direction you should take your life in upon graduating?

If you struggle to find an answer to these questions, we often stay in a state of limbo where we are just confused about what exactly we are doing in life? It becomes quite tedious just focusing on one thing such as your degree or even work and that can increase the pressure to dis-cipher these aspects, on top of the pressure of your work or degree it can really lower you spirits and create what my house mate termed as a 'constant black cloud over your head' - you feel down and have zero motivation.

Where's Kelly when you need some motivation?

One thing that concerns me especially is that although we are under pressure, life will inevitably be full of pressure, so rather than moping we should in fact try to find our own coping mechanisms. Because although we cannot change a number of external factors, could we, (upon introspection), discover what makes us truly happy?

If we look at the two types of coping mechanisms, there are ones that provide long-term relief and those that provide short-term relief. Exploring the affect of these could be our first starting point.

Short term coping mechanisms can be things such as:

.Sexual comfort

.Drinking with the aim to get drunk

.Excessive partying

.Watching TV

.Retail therapy

.Takeways

Long term coping mechanisms can be things such as:

.Going to the gym

.Cooking healthy food

.Visiting a careers advisor

.ticking off things from your to do list

.making sure your home is clean and in order

.completing pieces of work

.trying the best way you know how, to fully understand yourself as an individual

.Praying, improving your relationship with God

Now Although the latter may seem less fun, (and agreed only my perspective -everyone's coping mechanisms will be personal) the difference is that these are things that will give you a longer sense of happiness as they give you a lasting sense of achievement. If you don't really know where to start, it might be useful to look at people you really admire and their qualities, and then think to yourself 'do I wish to have that quality?' If so, that should automatically lift your spirits as you then have a goal to work towards. and once you start to adopt these qualities you will automatically feel more contented as you can look at yourself and feel proud and inexcusable of the person you are.

There are many things in this world that we cannot master, but ourselves is something we all have the ability to, so why not embrace it? Plus there is nothing more attractive than a person who truly knows themselves.

I feel like Gavin DeGraw's - 'I don't wanna be' suits the mood of this entry and also a very feel good song: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gFCW3PHBws

Support Of yourSelf: Pillars of life

Hi guys, I know it's been way too long but forgive me! I haven't quite mastered the art of time management....

What I wanted to discuss today is the issue of supporting yourself. now I am by no means saying that'a man is an island' or any of that jazz, but simply that we need to be able to support ourselves when/if other factors let you down. Now, one of the ways I keep a balance in my life is by thinking different aspects of my life as 'pillars'; I call them 'the Pillars of life'. So you can divide these into 5 category's:

1.Work (career)

2.Education (study)

3.Relationship (romantic)

4.Friends

5.Family

Now how they work is that you do your best to maintain each of them in the best way possible, and you'll notice the times you feel the happiest is when your on top of them all, but obviously this is real life so things wont exactly go like that. However, when you work on strengthening them all you number one, have clear things to focus on when one of them fall and number two, you avoid breaking down completely as you have that comfort of knowing other aspects of your life are in tact!

It's actually a really positive way of thinking as even when only one is strong, you can still be like yeah, you know what, at least I still have this, let me be grateful.

The worst thing you can do with these pillars however is to focus your energy on one completely, as you rely on your happiness to come from that source, so when that source falls through you have = breakdown. And how secure is life that you even feel comfortable doing that?? Uncertainty is the only thing we can be sure of hence why we have insurance; so think of this as your personal happiness insurance.

Therefore even though having one strong pillar can still give us an illusion of being happy, neglecting the others is not covering your back! You've heard the phrase 'don't put your eggs in one basket' and mostly I hear this being applied to dating - which is not what I'm supporting. Because I'm not saying, put your energy into a variety of relationships so if one falls through you have back up guy/girl. I'm saying let a different part of your life be the back up.

The point is: you have many things to draw your happiness from

(not just relationships) - know that!

On the subject of happiness, listen to Beyonce's album 4 if you haven't already! - a bunch of feel good tracks. My personal fav's: Love on top, End of Time, Best Thing I Never Had, 1+1 and also, this is not on the album but Youtube 'Dance for You'. If that relationship pillar is strong, a nice slow jam for you ;)

'Oh well you know what she's like..'

I must say I really dislike it when people use this phrase.

I dislike it because I don't appreciate the finality of it's tone.

What it suggests to me is that there's no way the person in question can turn themselves around and we therefore, have to 'put up' with the behaviour, just for the simple fact that we expect it.

It aggs me even more when the people themselves say it, because logically, if your aware of something that you do that is negative and received negatively by other people then why wouldn't you feel an urge to change it? I don't think there's is any reason for someone to be so blaise about there negative characteristics as you can become stagnant. It's ignorant and may I add a little boring.

In the words of the great comedian Katt Williams, 'you gotta keep it pushing', you can't be on the same ish you was on last year, cause we're bored, and who wants to deal with people who think they have nothing to learn and are done growing? Because the truth is, we may stop physically developing when were 18/19, but mentally we don't ever stop! That's what makes us exciting and interesting characters, our natural organic growth.

It's like...

If you set up a business which refused to change with the times and innovate: it's going to go out of business!

Or... If you were in a relationship which tedious routine and partner who refused to switch it up: it's going to fail!

'You gon leave the toilet seat up again?? ' 'Oh come on baby you know what I'm like'

It's also like having goldfish as pets, it's boring, because they do the same ish all the time. (sleep, poo & eat) When I was younger I used to forget I even had them! (thankfully my mum was in charge of feeding...)

So what you basically have to imagine, is what Apple would be like without their innovative projects every 5 seconds... We'd be like apple who?

The question is whether you want to be the person before the who, whether it's an Ex, Employer or Teacher saying it?

Nah I didn't think so

But if you let phrases like 'you know what I'm like' excuse yourself and restrict yourself from growing you will go out of business and fail (and therfore be a sad, lonely & unemployed apple).

At the end of the day, nobodies perfect and I'm definitely not saying you have to be. But you owe it to your self to at least try and spend your live striving for perfection whilst simultaneously being at peace with your faults.

At this point it would seem appropriate to throw something in about aiming for the sun and landing among stars, but that would be way too cliche- I gotta keep it pushing!

So I'll say....

Don't be a Goldfish in a bowl, but be a fish in the sea!

Just look at how boring they look *shakes head*

'Excuse me can I talk to you for a minute...': Facebook Stylee

Random Entry:

So I woke up to this in my FB inbox...

‘Hey Kyomi, you alright darling? looking real good babe...

Now let me not waste your time any further and get straight to the point.

You dont happen to know me i came across you on some black dudes friend list and thought woww (he's not black btw), look at her i could put a ring on that finger. Therefore i was wondering can you add me as a friend if thats not too much of a hassle for u babe. I would add you but you probably have so many friend requests already that you ignore them lol

thanks in advance

xx mwah xx’

Looooooool

Yeah that was me when I read it too. Could be the extremely analytical frame of mind I’m in due to ‘revision season’, but I was like wait a minute please. You could put a ring on my finger when you can’t even Capitalize your I’s? You said mwah...(I won’t even elaborate on that one) and his display picture was those: ‘I take pictures in the mirror photos’ and he looked around the same age as Justin Beiber *cough* 15, so I was like, is this really what my face attracts?? *mid morning crisis* and just went back to bed LOL (not really I had stuff to do but you get the picture)

I love the second line as well like he really had some Hitch swag!

Boy...

Let me not complain. I’m sure when I’m like 30 and single I’ll be praying for messages like these, like Heather and Kevin98 or whatever his name is... ‘Oh my gosh shirl he just messaged me!’

(GOD FORBID!)

Okay, Let's get Technical...

Hey guys,

First things first, I got a twitter:

www.twitter.com/misskyomiwade

Secondly I've had a reallly nasty case of writers block... so if you could excuse the little drought *ehem* of blogging.

I just had a little epiphany of sorts after coming off the phone to one of my girlfriends which I thought I'd share with you.

and it was that maybe, the trick is not to focus on the technicalities and just live life

Now obviously I don't mean to say this as some sort of grand revelation or secret to life. Nor do I mean technicalities in regards to work and theory related matters. When I say technicalities I mean, each time a situation in your life has come when you've thought, well technically I shouldn't be doing this because of x y z.

For example you may not put a lot of energy into a project for someone because 'technically' the work they produced for you wasn't up to par

Or

I'm not going to text this person back straight away because technically, they took a long time to reply to my message.

Or

I don't want to take up a dance/fitness class because people will laugh at me because I cant dance- therefore I will look like a fool. and you know, I'm not a fool.

'Oh he must think I'm playing!'

If you look at what's going on here you can realise just how dangerous this is because we end up focusing our energy on minor details whilst the bigger picture slights of of sight due to principal.

Now don't get me wrong.... principles are important. But why would you hold yourselves back from experiences due to pre-conjured thoughts people MAY have, or not exercising your full potential, at the expense of someone else's failings? Even worse stop your self from communicating with someone when the point is you want to speak to them, or you wouldn't have texted them in the first place.

I think it's very important to just live sometimes because things will never be smooth sailing or perfect, but if we know that, then we can work on getting life as close to perfect, whilst still existing in reality.

Even if we are to specifically look at relationships. We can sometime stifle growth, and our own happiness, due to technicalities we feel we have to enforce; regardless of their irrelevance!

We can have one set thing in out head like for example 'he has to take me out and pay or he's not serious about me' or 'I'm going to wait said time before I'm intimate with him'. And we do this because we assume the worst case scenario's. The idea that he could be after one thing, or that he's not putting his money where his mouth is because he doesn't think your worth spending on. But the truth is, this isn't the case with all men- so why do we cling on do them so tightly?

Happy People? Yeah (8)

The solution it seems would be to judge situations individually, and not by a whole sex's reputation or your past experiences for instance. Make room for and allow the happiness in your life, you really don't want to be that person, sat wrapped up in technicalities when it comes knocking at your door!

x Ky x

On a lighter note however whilst attending the Drake and J.cole concert, I found myself swell with pride when he shouted 'ya dun know!' at the crowd in a 'London' accent. Made me proud to be British mate!

*wipes tear from eye*

Oh Yeah That's Right your Doing You...

Oh dear... It's been so long guys, excuse my rustiness! There has been so many things I wanted blog about but I have just been busy and can't be bothered about everything. However im trying to fix up look sharp now so no more blog droughts... I promise!

Today's blog has been initiated on a collective consensus among friends, which I think is best described through a scenario, so I shall set it... You haven't spoken to a guy in a couple months.. few weeks etc and all of a sudden they pop out of nowhere I Miss You. Now, this is not primary school where this would be cute, and not even secondary, actually better yet this isn't a dream/movie-this is real life. And in real life probably about 25% of I miss you's are actually genuine. I hate to be cynical, but when they say they miss you, ask yourself exactly what they miss? Literally break down all the stuff they might have gained/ enjoyed from being in your presence, ESPECIALLY when its a situation where they didn't even seem that interested when you guys were together/ seeing each other etc...

How has this gone from He's Just Not That in to You get off my d*** in this short space of time?

Now ask yourself why they've chosen this day of all days?, did you change your profile pic, go to a partay looking particularly hot, or is it just that you haven't been hollering that much (or slyly ignoring texts.. not particularly intentionality but just because you kind of don't care any more). When getting male opinion on the situation yesterday he just laughed and basically explained how when a boy see a girl happy with herself and her life it is Very Attractive. As opposed to when your sad, feeling a little lonely/ frustrated and generally feeling a lack of attention.

Grr, where's my attention?

As girls I feel sometimes we don't realise how detectable this is to men, and how I think it's scaring them off. It could explain why sometimes there seems likes there's a huge rush of guys hollering when a couple months ago, there was nothing. It seems the best thing to do in this situation, as cliché as it sounds is to Do You.

'Listen up Ladies!'

Now I am completely aware of how worn out this statement is, and most of the time girls say they are when they really aren't. But honestly, only positive things can come of you doing things for yourself and becoming the sort of person you aspire to be. Channel all the energy you have thinking/talking/ dressing for a man to come your way into something personal. for example

1. Work particularly hard on an essay/project- the satisfaction you get will be really empowering, especially if you suceed, then treat yourself to your favourite take out or a shopping trip.

2. Try to match your underwear- it doesn't have to be just because someone will see it, just because it looks nice when you look in the mirror.

3. Focus on a hobby (not hubby) if you don't have something extra curricular that your good at, find one, its never too late to develop one. Dance, writing, styling (if your in uni simply join a couple societies- see how that works out. If your in second/third year I would suggest only one... nobody's trying to fail a degree out here)

4. Do something that makes you happy(not guy related)!

5. Work on your appearance- just because you don't have a man don't mean you don't have to look good. Yes you do, and don't expect the guy from Nicki Minaj's Right Through Me video to find you whilst your not looking up to par- that's just ignorant. I'm not saying you have to pile it on everyday. But a bit of mascara, a nice outfit and your hair looking good will make you feel better about yourself. Whilst also teaching you mentally that looking good, doesn't have to be because of a man.

6. Last but not least is spending time with friends and family. This is probably the biggest of them all. Its so important to appreciate and enjoy the people in your life, rather than the fleeting guys who take ages to text back or don't know if they want a relationship. Ask yourself why your so willing to get out of your bed and do things for them and not so much for your friends. Then take the time out to do little things for them and mediate on how many people you know love and care about you genuinely. you will be surprised at how many there are, bask in that, not what you don't have. Before you know it you will be in a state on contentment, which a guy will be drawn to and you will find yourself with a nonchalance about the situation.

Something also to hold on to is that tables always turn... He'll be back eventually. But that's another day and another blog... So until then:

Enjoy being you, because nobody else can do that!

& Listen to J.Cole Friday Night Lights

xoxo

Ky

You Cant Hurry Love but You Can Threaten it in a Dark Ally...

Sad or scary fact it may be. Many women get to a point in their lives when they make the statement (whether in their head to their mirror, or too their nonplussed girlfriends over lunch) I want and am looking for a husband/man.

The truth is there comes a point where you are just tired of kissing frogs.

'Great another man who thinks hes too 'hard' to have emotions...

when I say emotionally you say retarded?'

Or dating guy for how long only to find out your not compatible, taking ten steps forward and then being violently shoved back to your starting point. It becomes tiring to sit up in a tower waiting for some prince in silver who made a wrong turn and ended up at so n so's house, whilst your just chilling, weave getting dusty, nails growing out- the point being (frustrated sigh). That it is frustrating waiting for the One! And the question being is it bad to essentially 'shop' for that Mr Right, or should one just go with the flow.

"Rapunzel Rapunzel let down your weave!"

The problem is when 'going with the flow' you may accept things about your partner which you believe will number 1 change or number 2 be adjustable to. But the sad part comes when both people come to a daunting realization that maybe certain traights shouldn't have been overlooked, maybe these clashes of personalities are too great to get over.

So in shopping for the one, you could avoid certain latter dissapointments OR resentments. I.E superficial as it may be can I get over him being short...... or am I gonna call him a short ass prick when we get in a fight?

'Good for nothing short ass prick, he should be lucky hes with me... Shyyt I gave up heels for you!'

Or will I not mind the fact that 'hes doesn't really do romance' and resent the fact that your anniversary present is a kiss on the cheek and an I love you in oppose to a weekend in France. roses. bed. candle- you get my drift... And if you can is it really 'getting over' or is it just 'settling'. I for one am a firm believer in soul mates and the concept that you can find a perfect man for you, so Iv'e decided that I'm not going to settle.

However I cannot recall the amount of friends that have said to me 'always go for a boy below your league... that way they're grateful'. To that concept I am a tad skeptical. Firstly as a boy will only be grateful for so long. As he wasn't all that to begin with (as a good friend of mine says) he can only get better in your eyes. You misses perfect can sadly only fall from grace, and minus weave, make-up and those generally rough days, lies a downgrade to what he originally ordered. And with him only getting better in your eyes, before you know it you'll be the one that likes him more, he'll become 'gassed' and there will have been no point in being screwed over by an 'average' guy. Secondly, the feeling on inferiority may lead him to cheat due to insecurities. He may think, well to be honest this wont last as shell probably find someone better looking and new- therefore I might as well prove to myself that I still 'got it' by having sex with this reasonably hot girl (that's not my girlfriend).

Sorry Abouriiite!

Conclusion being that maybe just maybe, it's okay to make sure your future man has all the right ingredients, and there nothing wrong with returning the next day if your not satisfied! Theres no point in wasting either persons time on something you know will fall apart later. So the best option would be to trust your instinct and kick all the guys that think chivalry is dead to the curb!

Who knows Mr right could be just around the corner...

I for one... Can't wait! (tyson- oh hell to the yes)

xoxo

Ky

x